sweetie4real33
assefacalanni's Cancer Blog
August 26, 2008
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I’m dealing with an illness that is suppose to be terminal. I don’t know how to deal with it at times. I feel so frustrated because everyone is getting angry with me because I can’t comply to everything that they want me to. I sometimes wish people would put themselves in my shoes and try to see how I might feel. People shouldn’t make me feel bad, I’m the one that’s sick and could possibly be dying. With all of the things that doctors said they can do to help me, there is still a possibility that I could still die in the process. I don’t want to die, I’m petrified. I have to go to chemo once a week, I hate it. All of the climate changes that I feel when I’m going through chemo. I don’t know how to feel sometimes, I want to cry and scream. I have people telling me don’t let it get to me. How do you not let the fact that you might die get to you.
I just want to live a normal healthy life. I don’t want to hurt anymore, but I need a way to stop hurting 100%. Not someone that can tell me that they can make it better. I don’t need someone to make it better, I just want to be healed. My sister just had her children. I spent as much time with them as possible because I won’t get to be around them for a year. I feel like I’m slowly loosing my mind because I keep having these dream that I’m being taken to the basement of the hospital and I was pronounced dead, but I was still alive. Every single crazy thing that you think could happen, I dream it.
I want to just get on a cloud and float away from all of this pain. I’ve always had somewhat pride in how I look but now I’m starting to hate the way I look. I’m starting to see spots on my face, and my hair is coming out. With all the changes that I’m going to go through will the people who say they care about me, will they be able to bare to look at me in a dying state? I know it sounds depressing but how do are you suppose to feel with ovarian cancer and brain cancer? I just want to be better, and 100% happy. I’ve been through too much.
Thanks for your support -
Welcome to that “cloud” you were looking for. Jill has created a magical place for us. Here you are free to talk about your fears and concerns. You can ask or speak about options, not just the accepted medical options, but the real and very personal options that effect you and make others so very uncomfortable.
Cancer will be a part of your life forever, fighting it and surviving it and staying on top of it are part of everythig form the day of onset through the very last day, but the real important choice is how you perceive it. You are a survivor. Everyone here is a survivor, that is an elite group of very very special people and I would like to extend a warm welcome to the family.
You will have good and not so good days, this is a place full of people who understand that because they are where you are. Come here when you need to be refreshed and accepted.
My prayers are with you, for your recovery and for your peace. be blessed
Mac
Assefa,
I sorry you had to join this group, but since you have please visit offten. We may not be able to fix your body, but everyone here can help with your heart and mind. I can assure you that I can bare to look at you, “My Cancer” has taken the sight in my left eye, but the right is working just fine. Please educate yourself about the cancer you have, knowledge is power. The one thing I’ve learned is you can not run from either the physical or mental pain, You must stand and fight now!
Cheers,
EyeCandy (Paul)
I don’t know how you are feeling personally sweetie but I have my son who is 18 who has non hodgkins lymblastic tcell lymphoma. I see what he is going through and it tears me apart. I think this blog is a great way for you to speak out your feelings. I will keep you in my prayers and I pray that God gives you the strength and peace to deal with what I call the monster. Please pray for my son on account he wants to give up. Know you are loved.
Hi Gal, I too would like to welcome to the family.
As Mac has said, we are here to Love and Support each other.
Hug Sherri